I received the news yesterday that one of my dearest friends, one of those friends that has touched your life in a thousand ways, unexpectedly succumbed to pneumonia. She had been battling cancer for some time, and she had started on a new kind of chemotherapy. I knew that she had been struggling with side effects, but the news that she had not survived was both shocking and so very sad. As I face this grief, I notice that is a familiar experience now – the weight in the chest, the tears that lurk behind the eyes, the feeling that nothing much matters. I have been here before.
Any loss recapitulates all the other losses – and as we live life longer, those losses indeed pile up. I believe that one of the lessons that all human beings are called to face is that of how do we let go. When a loved one has moved beyond us, as will happen if we live long enough, how do we go forward?
Perhaps one way of looking at this is NOT to go forward, but to stay still. The shock of loss is immobilizing at first, and for good reasons. We are not thinking clearly; our rational mind has been overturned, and we are living in – swimming in – the emotional sea of grief. I would wish for all space, quiet, support, time.
David Whyte, a poet and author whose work has been very meaningful to me, has written a wonderful book called Consolations. He chooses 52 words and writes essays on each. One of his words is Heartbreak. Below is an excerpt.
HEARTBREAK
“…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go.”
‘HEARTBREAK’ Excerpted From CONSOLATIONS:
The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.
© David Whyte and Many Rivers Press 2015
Now Available http://davidwhyte.stores.yahoo.net/newbook.html
As I think of my friend, and experience the heartbreak that comes with my loss of her, I am asking of myself the opportunity to sit with my heartbreak, to be with it and with her, to remember, to regret, just to be with the precious moments that we did have, to grieve those that we will not have, as I allow that piece of my heart that belonged to her to open, to grieve, and to let go.
About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:
Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.” Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com
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Last month we delved into the world of wearing our natural hair color. One native Nashvillian set herself apart with her beautiful silver hair. She entered a contest for a skin care line who wanted a representative who was over 40. Tish Hooker, later becoming known simply as Tish, was a beautiful 45 year-old who had stopped coloring her hair at 42. From the prominent Fort family of Nashville, I knew her from local media and she wore the prettiest salt and pepper hair I had seen. In the 80’s, I recall discovering her picture in a Germaine Monteil cosmetics advertisement in a national magazine, Vogue, Elle, or Glamour.
It is being discussed more and more. Women in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s are deciding to cut the hair color and return to their ever lightening roots. I’m curious, so I’ve asked some friends who have stopped coloring to share their experience with me.
HerSavvy
Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP
Jan Schim
Norma Shirk
Renee Bates
Barbara Dab
HerSavvy 