I received the news yesterday that one of my dearest friends, one of those friends that has touched your life in a thousand ways, unexpectedly succumbed to pneumonia. She had been battling cancer for some time, and she had started on a new kind of chemotherapy. I knew that she had been struggling with side effects, but the news that she had not survived was both shocking and so very sad. As I face this grief, I notice that is a familiar experience now – the weight in the chest, the tears that lurk behind the eyes, the feeling that nothing much matters. I have been here before.
Any loss recapitulates all the other losses – and as we live life longer, those losses indeed pile up. I believe that one of the lessons that all human beings are called to face is that of how do we let go. When a loved one has moved beyond us, as will happen if we live long enough, how do we go forward?
Perhaps one way of looking at this is NOT to go forward, but to stay still. The shock of loss is immobilizing at first, and for good reasons. We are not thinking clearly; our rational mind has been overturned, and we are living in – swimming in – the emotional sea of grief. I would wish for all space, quiet, support, time.
David Whyte, a poet and author whose work has been very meaningful to me, has written a wonderful book called Consolations. He chooses 52 words and writes essays on each. One of his words is Heartbreak. Below is an excerpt.
HEARTBREAK
“…If heartbreak is inevitable and inescapable, it might be asking us to look for it and make friends with it, to see it as our constant and instructive companion, and even perhaps, in the depth of its impact as well as in its hindsight, to see it as its own reward. Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is a deeper introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something or someone who has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the last letting go.”
‘HEARTBREAK’ Excerpted From CONSOLATIONS:
The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.
© David Whyte and Many Rivers Press 2015
Now Available http://davidwhyte.stores.yahoo.net/newbook.html
As I think of my friend, and experience the heartbreak that comes with my loss of her, I am asking of myself the opportunity to sit with my heartbreak, to be with it and with her, to remember, to regret, just to be with the precious moments that we did have, to grieve those that we will not have, as I allow that piece of my heart that belonged to her to open, to grieve, and to let go.
About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:
Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.” Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com
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Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP
Jan Schim
Norma Shirk
Renee Bates
Barbara Dab
HerSavvy 
Susan, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dear friend. But thank you for your wise words about learning to be there, in stillness, with the grief: it is so true, that if we are among those fortunate enough to reach this age, learning to live with these losses must be a little part of wisdom that we may gain with time.
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Julie, I know you know. Thank you. Susan
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