The Other Side of the Couch – Surprise at the Library

Library

 

I went to the public library a few days ago.  I have been going more frequently in the last year since I am a member of two book clubs, and I am spending way too much money on books.  I made a resolution to check with the library before I bought another book, so I ran in to see if a copy of The Color Purple by Alice Walker happened to be available.  (It was – I read it years ago, but this is the classic that my book club is reading this month.)

What was interesting to me is what happened after I found the book that I needed.  I started browsing – you know, just looking at book titles, pulling a few off the shelf to check out the descriptions.  Before I knew it I had picked up three other titles – one of which I put back because, although I wanted it, I knew it was too long and challenging a read right at this time.  I checked out the other two.

I left the library with three books – the one I came for, and two others that I would never have run across had I not been just poking around, picking up books and putting them back, just for the sake of looking.  I am now deep into one of those books (NOT the one I am supposed to be reading for book club!).

To have the opportunity to go to a public library, to hang out, to browse, to run across books that I might not have ever seen or known existed, is a privilege that we in this country and in this city take for granted.  To have a library card, to have access to the incredible array of services offered by our public library system, is one way in which our country maintains its democracy.  A library card is a ticket to information.  Information can be found in any number of different ways – through books, through public computers, through DVDs and CDs, through inter-library loan, and even through e-books.  In Nashville, the public library system is linked to our schools, so our students have access to this amazing universe of knowledge.

Library cards are free!  All one needs is an ID and proof of address.  What a bargain.  The information below is found on the Nashville Public Library website – www.nashvillepubliclibrary.org .

About Your Library Card

Your library card gives you free access to over two million books, ebooks, magazines, DVDs, streaming movies and music, and more.

Library cards are free for any person who lives in Davidson County or within the Goodlettsville city limits. Cards are also free for Metro Nashville employees.

You may get a library card online or in person at any library location.

Online cards allow immediate access to all online library materials. If you get a card in person, it allows immediate access to all library materials. To get a card, present your photo ID and proof of address. Any combination of accepted forms of ID that satisfy these requirements is allowed.

As I prepare to read another chapter of my “found” book, I am celebrating libraries, and books, and reading, and I am also acutely aware of the privilege that I have in this city, in this country.  Even in Nashville itself, too many men and women are unable to read.  According to the Nashville Adult Literacy Council, one in eight Nashvillians are unable to read.

Celebrate reading; celebrate your ability to go to a library and to find what you want, and sometimes to find some other things that you didn’t know you wanted.  Life is enriched in so many ways.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Perils of a Family Business

William Marshal

Working for a family business can be difficult because family businesses seem to inevitably degenerate into factional fighting. Loyal workers are dragged into the family’s feud and must be clever at balancing the competing interests of the various family factions.  A perfect example is the career of William Marshal, who served a series of English kings between 1170 and 1219.

William Marshal worked for the family business known as the Angevin Empire, which was founded by King Henry II of England and his wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine. Marshal began his career as one of the household knights of Eleanor. Since Eleanor fought frequently with her husband, her knights risked loss of property and life depending on how the marital feud was progressing.

Marshal became an expert at balancing the competing family loyalties. Henry II and Eleanor rewarded Marshal by appointing him to serve their son, Henry (Henry the Young King). Young Henry also fought a long bitter feud with his father that ended only when Young Henry died. At that point, Marshal could easily have found himself stripped of all his property and exiled from England. Instead Marshal was welcomed back into the family business because King Henry II couldn’t afford to lose such a skilled knight and diplomat.  Marshal remained loyal to Henry II during the feuds that Henry fought with his other sons, Richard the Lion-Hearted, Geoffrey of Brittany, and John (signer of the Magna Carta).  Marshal survived to serve as a senior advisor to both Richard and John.

When John died, Marshal ensured that John’s son inherited the English crown. With a child on the throne, the family business was inThe Greatest Knight
deep trouble and England faced a hostile takeover by French barons. Most of the English barons sided with the French, but Marshal, who was in his 70’s, sided with John’s son. Marshal personally led the English army that defeated the French.

Why should we care about William Marshal today? Anyone who has ever tried to climb the greasy career pole in a company will recognize the situations faced by Marshal. He dealt with crazy bosses such as King John, who was crazier than the Mad Hatter. He survived back-stabbing colleagues who tried to destroy his career in an effort to advance their own. He had to reestablish his career each time a new king took the throne. Through it all, his competence and skill made him indispensable to the family business.

William Marshal was a “company man” long before that term was coined and he survived family feuds spanning decades. An excellent biography of William Marshal is, The Greatest Knight by Thomas Asbridge (2014).

About Norma Shirk

Norma started her company, Corporate Compliance Risk Advisor, to help employers create human resources policies for their employees and employee benefit programs that are appropriate to the employer’s size and budget. The goal is to have structure without bureaucracy. Visit Norma’s website: www.complianceriskadvisor.com/.

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Building a Bottomless Bucket List


DOLPHIN PHOTO WILD SIDE_crop2_crop

This August I crossed one off the bucket list: swimming with dolphins.   Well, two actually, the second was riding a catamaran on the ocean.  I have wanted to sail again since I was eighteen, loving the exciting tipped on its side ride, tacking, and hearing the sound of the wind in the sails.  It was my cousin’s wooden sailboat at our local lake.  While the boat we were traveling on this day no longer sported the mast and white canvas, instead using engine power to traverse the surf, the excitement of negotiating the rolling waves was still there.  For snorkeling, I learned that big waves are not a big deal when you are in the deep water, as opposed to being beaten up with “the breakers” at the shoreline – on the water you just roll with it.  I did feel brave jumping into that water where big things live.  With flotation belt, mask, snorkel and fins, I was plenty well suited for braving this new world.

Our competent, ecologically respectful guide, Elizabeth, gave us thorough preparation and education about the dolphin’s feeding and rest cycles, and how they rest one side of their brain at a time, alternating between the sonar and analytical sides, as exhibited with closure of the opposing eye of the side of the brain which is asleep.  We learned how to visit in a low impact way and not chase or touch the docile and loving creatures.  A small group of three couples,  upon our first encounter we beheld about twenty dolphins as they played, rested, and lazily moved to and fro zigzagging the coast in their rhythmic movement, sometimes on the bottom, often on or near the top, in 40 to 100 feet of water.  We later noted in the car on the trip back to our hotel that each of us had been mesmerized by the Aurora Borealis-like shafts of light permeating down through the depths in glistening light patterns.  Adding to our pleasure were intensely warm water currents influenced by El Nino, followed by refreshing cool veins of sweet relief.  As an artist, I am looking more at how light reacts on objects, and the pieces of the shapes on those objects.   There was so much to see.

Hours later, I was still exhilarated with the excitement of it all, especially seeing the graceful dolphins in their home, and learning first hand about their loving, community nature.   As we moved from the snorkeling with dolphins site to the turtle site, the dolphins rode our bow, racing ahead as they are so adept at leading.  From the 2-week-old baby swimming against mom’s side, to the 4 teenagers “hanging loose” and swimming slowly, like teenagers do, we enjoyed every minute.  Others were exhibiting raucous, tail flapping fun, spinning, relaxing and mating.  It was nature at its best.  On the trip out we spotted sea turtles and flying fish.  On the way back to the dock, we stopped twice to swim with the turtles, getting good views of several adults together on the bottom coral.  I was at once surprised to be 5 feet away from a sea turtle as it emerged, so close I could smell its algae covered body or its breath; I’m not sure which.

Riding to and from the harbor was a great adventure on the high seas, better than a ride at Fair Park.  On the trampoline-like net across the front, I was holding on tight and getting splashed, rocking up, once airborne, and dropping back down again against the deep blue mountains of water as it splashed through the net.  It felt like we were at a rodeo.  I haven’t had that much fun in forever.

Extra special about this trip was getting to experience it with my soul mate, David, on our celebratory revisit, having married there on Oahu in 1985, one hour east and thirty years before that sun-filled day.

Next on the bucket list: getting up close to a humpback whale.  You will certainly hear about it as it happens.

Photo credit and company we explored with on Oahu: www.sailhawaii.com

About Renee Bates

Renee is an artist focused on growing a newfound ability to express herself through oil painting, recently leaving her role as executive director of the non-profit Greenways for Nashville to pursue art and product development.  Renee likes being in nature, hiking, birding, and working in the garden. Married to David Bates of Bates Nursery and Garden Center, a 3rd generation business begun in 1932. Renee admires the fact that it was begun by a savvy woman, Bessie Bates.  Renee’s art may be enjoyed from her website or followed on Facebook.

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The Other Side of the Couch – She Sits in My Office

Acceptance 2

She sits in my office, a woman in her 20s, carefully yet casually dressed, clearly anxious.  This is our first visit, and I don’t yet know what brings her to me.  A counseling session opens with informed consent, so we speak of confidentiality, of any exceptions to that sacred boundary (any situation in which harm to self, to others, and/or to minor children or elderly requires breaking confidentiality).  Then we come to the question – What brings you here today?

She tears up, and her words begin to pour out as she struggles with her answer.  “I am attracted to women.  I have fought this and fought this, and not wanted it, and tried to be different, but it is no use.  I have no response to men.  I have dated men, and I have known kind, good men.  I grew up with kind parents.  I had a good home.  I am a Christian, and I grew up in a loving church.  At least I thought I did.  But my church is against homosexuality, and sees it as a sin.  I am torn apart inside.  I don’t want to be a lesbian.  I don’t want to live my life outside society’s acceptance.  Can you help me?  Can you help me change how I feel inside about being attracted to women?”

My heart sinks as I hear this question, because I know that the answer is not what she will want to hear.  Reputable therapists don’t offer what used to be called “conversion therapy” to supposedly help someone redirect their attraction template.   This so-called therapy is actually illegal in four states and is considered unethical by the mental health professions.

This client and I have a long road ahead together, if she decides to follow through with counseling.  Helping a person come to terms with their own sexual orientation, when it is different from what is considered the norm, is a challenge.  Many same-sex oriented individuals have struggled for years before they seek any kind of help and have absorbed the many homophobic messages that surround these issues.

The educational process will involve looking at the biology of attraction, at the internalized messages that complicate self-acceptance, at the kind of relationship the client wants (often a stable, adult, long-term relationship sanctioned by both the state and his/her faith background).  It will also involve looking at what it means to live one’s life as a gay/lesbian person in one’s family, community, profession, church.  It will involve helping this client differentiate between such Biblical issues as temple prostitution and sexual slavery, clearly opposed by the Old Testament, and the experience of monogamous, same-sex unions, which were not even thought of in that culture and time.  It will involve the question of children – whether and how to become a parent.  Most of all, it will involve learning self-acceptance and self-compassion.

The United States has experienced a remarkable shift in attitude over the last two decades, culminating in the recent decision by the Supreme Court affirming the right to marriage for same-sex couples.  This does not mean, however, that the acceptance for same-sex couples is easy, especially in the context of some faith-based institutions.

My hope for this client is that I will be able to walk with her through her fears, through giving up the dream of a “regular” life, to the point of being able to lovingly accept her own being.

My hope for our country is that we will all be able to walk through our fears, recognize that difference is not dangerous, and reach the point of being able to lovingly accept our fellow citizens in all their infinite variety.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – What’s The Story You Are Making Up?

what is your story questionSomething that I encounter almost every day in working with couples is the problem caused by internal story-telling.  We all make up stories.  We make up stories about ourselves, about others, about why people do what they do, why we do what we do.  We are tremendously effective at this process, and we do it constantly.  The problems with doing this arise when we take action based on the story that we have told ourselves without questioning whether that story is based on more than our own perceptions.

Here is an example:  A husband won’t start driving until his wife has put on her seatbelt.  The story he tells himself is that he is making sure everyone is safe.  The story his wife tells herself is that he is treating her like a child and that she knows about putting on seat belts and will do it, but not because he makes her.  Because she tells herself this story, she is huffy with her husband; he doesn’t know why, and the day starts poorly.

Here is another example:  A woman has a need for what she calls a positive environment, which for her means no complaining or negative comments.  Her husband is a bit sarcastic and likes to complain about traffic, the weather, whatever.  When her husband makes these comments, the wife tells herself that he is doing this on purpose to annoy her, that he has no consideration, he clearly won’t listen to her, that he doesn’t love her, and maybe they should get a divorce.  The husband, on the other hand, is telling himself that he can say what he wants to say, he won’t be controlled and attacked, she doesn’t understand him at all, and maybe they should get a divorce.

Internal story-telling results in chasms and canyons in relationships!  The way to manage these problems is to make the stories external – say out loud your thoughts and intentions.  For example:  I am worried about your safety and because of that I would appreciate it if you would put on your seat belt before we start driving.  This is so that I will be comfortable.  It is not about you.  Or – when you won’t leave the driveway before I put on my seatbelt, I am uncomfortable because I feel controlled. Is there another way we could work on this?  Could you help me understand your thinking?

Making the internal story external saps its power and helps everyone clarify perceptions.  Give it a try!

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – But I Don’t Want to Change!

Change

Some time ago I was working with a couple who were struggling with some issues in their marriage.  The wife was unhappy with how things were going in the relationship, and she wanted things to be different.  The husband was quite satisfied with how things were going, and in the face of his wife’s pressure, he finally erupted in the session with this statement:  “I DIDN’T GET MARRIED TO CHANGE MY LIFE!”

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this particular couple’s issue, the husband’s impassioned statement has long stayed with me.  How many times in my own life have I been faced with the need to change – whether due to external circumstances created by another person’s need for change, or due to internal pressures requiring me to move in new directions.  The universality of these experiences, however, is that change is not often welcomed by human beings with open arms and a wide embrace.  It is more often encountered with reluctance and with some degree of foot-dragging.

And yet, change is inevitable.  We grow up.  We age.  Friends and family come and go.  Our bodies become different over the years.  Our understanding grows and changes (if we allow ourselves to engage in the process of self-examination.)  The reality is that the opposite of change is stasis – or death.

Rosabeth Moss-Kanter, author of The Change Masters (1983), spoke to the issue of change in corporations, essentially pointing out that corporations that embrace change are successful; those that do not either struggle or fail.  Her book points out this essential truth:  If you don’t master change, change will master you.

So how do I master this inevitable process?  I react a bit to the word “master” – I would substitute “live with” or “embrace” or “lean into” (thank you, Sheryl Sandberg).  I want to experience these processes as ways through which I am able to become more fully present with myself and with my world.  By acknowledging that change is happening, by looking it squarely in the face rather than being in denial about it, I am able to work with it rather than fight with it, and therefore more effectively live the life I want to live.

Some tips about embracing change:

  1. Identify the changes that are going on in your life.
  2. Decide how you want to relate to those changes.
  3. Choose changes that you want to make for yourself.
  4. Find support and accountability to hold yourself to the path that you have chosen.
  5. Enjoy the ride!

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – Charleston

CharlestonI was on the way to Charleston on Friday, June 26, 2015, as President Obama gave the eulogy for Rev. Clementa Pinckney, one of the nine African-American members of the AME Emanuel Church who were gunned down by a white 21-one-year-old who had been indoctrinated by a white supremacist organization.  I was on the way to a city that embodies in so many ways the contradictions, struggles, pain that 150 years – no, 300 years – have not erased from this country.  The bloody war, known in the North as the Civil War, in some parts of the South still called the War Between the States, or less benignly, the War of Northern Aggression, still incites pain.  Black or white, Northern or Southern, the history of war, occupation, slavery, Jim Crow, voter suppression is unfortunately alive today.

President Obama said,

For too long, we were blind to the pain that the Confederate flag stirred in too many of our citizens. It’s true, a flag did not cause these murders. But as people from all walks of life, Republicans and Democrats, now acknowledge — including Governor Haley, whose recent eloquence on the subject is worthy of praise — as we all have to acknowledge, the flag has always represented more than just ancestral pride. For many, black and white, that flag was a reminder of systemic oppression and racial subjugation. We see that now.

Removing the flag from this state’s capitol would not be an act of political correctness; it would not be an insult to the valor of Confederate soldiers. It would simply be an acknowledgment that the cause for which they fought — the cause of slavery — was wrong — the imposition of Jim Crow after the Civil War, the resistance to civil rights for all people was wrong. It would be one step in an honest accounting of America’s history; a modest but meaningful balm for so many unhealed wounds. It would be an expression of the amazing changes that have transformed this state and this country for the better, because of the work of so many people of goodwill, people of all races striving to form a more perfect union. By taking down that flag, we express God’s grace.

But I don’t think God wants us to stop there. For too long, we’ve been blind to the way past injustices continue to shape the present. Perhaps we see that now. Perhaps this tragedy causes us to ask some tough questions about how we can permit so many of our children to languish in poverty, or attend dilapidated schools, or grow up without prospects for a job or for a career.

Perhaps it causes us to examine what we’re doing to cause some of our children to hate. Perhaps it softens hearts towards those lost young men, tens and tens of thousands caught up in the criminal justice system — and leads us to make sure that that system is not infected with bias; that we embrace changes in how we train and equip our police so that the bonds of trust between law enforcement and the communities they serve make us all safer and more secure.

Maybe we now realize the way racial bias can infect us even when we don’t realize it, so that we’re guarding against not just racial slurs, but we’re also guarding against the subtle impulse to call Johnny back for a job interview but not Jamal. So that we search our hearts when we consider laws to make it harder for some of our fellow citizens to vote.  By recognizing our common humanity by treating every child as important, regardless of the color of their skin or the station into which they were born, and to do what’s necessary to make opportunity real for every American — by doing that, we express God’s grace.

 

I am moved by this eloquent response to unspeakable tragedy.  I am moved by the families of those massacred, who offered forgiveness to the murderer.  I am moved by the people of Charleston, who, rather than withdrawing into factions and anger, came together with tears in the face of this tragedy.  I hope that political divisions can be put aside as we come together to work for a better tomorrow.

It’s not about the Confederate Flag.  It’s about us.  All of us.  May we all be Charleston, and create a better future for our country, united.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

Like what you’ve read? Feel free to share, but please… Give HerSavvy credit. Thanks!

 

 

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Erratic Bosses

General Custer

Erratic bosses are a disaster in the workplace. Occasionally they are deadly as some cavalry troopers learned in the summer of 1876.

In the summer of 1876, three cavalry columns chased Lakota, Cheyenne and Arapaho Indians across the northern Plains into modern-day Montana. The goal was to confront the Indians, beat them in battle, and force the survivors back to their reservations.

One of the columns was led by “General” George A. Custer whose actual rank was lieutenant colonel. Custer had been temporarily promoted to general during the American Civil War and was a bona fide hero of that war. But by 1876 his antics had severely dented his career prospects.

He was a shameless self-promoter which irritated his military bosses. His troops were disenchanted with his habit of ignoring the rules personally while enforcing them against his subordinates. Then he annoyed President Grant by testifying to Congress about corruption in the Grant administration. (Publicizing dirty linen never wins favor with the boss, especially when it’s true.) Grant fired Custer as commander of the 7th Cavalry and Custer had to beg friends to help him get reinstated.

So when Custer went on patrol a few months later he was trying to restore his career prospects. Custer arrived at the Little Bighorn River (a/k/a the Greasy Grass) near the Indian encampment and immediately disobeyed his orders to wait for the other two cavalry columns. He also ignored the reports from his Indian scouts about the size of the Indian camp. Indian warriors numbered between 1000 and 5000, depending on which source you read.

On June 25, 1876, Custer ordered an attack on the Indian encampment and rode into history. Cavalry forces totaled 500 men and 208 died with Custer. News of the defeat ruined the July 4th centennial celebrations back east.

Custer is a hero today because his widow lived until the 1930’s. She spent every waking moment blaming others for the defeat and insisting that Custer was the greatest hero of all times. She ensured that Hollywood’s version of the tale would show Custer as the hero.

What’s the moral of the story? Erratic bosses are bad for employee health, although, fortunately, it doesn’t usually get them killed these days. Erratic bosses damage a company’s bottom line by destroying employee morale and lowering productivity. They also thin the ranks as top performers vote with their feet, leaving only demoralized or unmarketable employees.

About Norma Shirk

Norma started her company, Corporate Compliance Risk Advisor, to help employers create human resources policies for their employees and employee benefit programs that are appropriate to the employer’s size and budget. The goal is to have structure without bureaucracy. Visit Norma’s website: www.complianceriskadvisor.com/.

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Flowers in the House: Hydrangea

Annabelle Hydrangea

Here’s your tip for bringing the outdoors in for entertaining. You may want to bring in the season simply for your own personal enjoyment. Be savvy and pluck stems from your landscape for an instant focal point for the table or powder room. There is no need purchase cut botanicals at the store, at least not all of the stems. Horticulture of any sort can be beautiful and your selections do not have to be flowering. Great foliage like oakleaf hydrangea, hosta, and my favorite – variegated Soloman’s Seal, work great for bringing in the green. I attended a lecture at the Antique and Garden Show a few years back when Dutch Master Florist Remco van Vliet spoke about floral arranging and conditioning flowers for longevity. Loving hydrangeas as I do, I took notes on his process. I have used the recommendations many times with success. This is what I’ve remembered and practiced for hydrangeas, and most every other stem: if cutting in the heat of summer collect them in the cool of the morning. Bring your water bucket out to the garden so there is little time between cutting and submerging. Strip the leaves off the stem, at least the ones that will ultimately be below the water line in the vase. Use extremely hot water (for hydrangeas). This opens the capillaries in the stem making the water uptake more effective. For all botanicals, cut the stems on the diagonal as this gives more surface for the stem to uptake water. Place damp paper towels on the heads of the flowers to help them stay hydrated through this process. After 45 minutes, change the water to cool and add a floral fresh conditioner. Arrange as desired. Change the water every couple of days to increase longevity. For any horticulture, it is a good idea to have no leaves in the water unless you are wrapping the stems with a cut hosta leaf or other interesting foliage in a transparent vase for decoration. For hydrangeas, on occasion I will have a stem that does not hold up and for no apparent reason. Oh, well, don’t worry about it. And a tip for that hosta and Soloman’s Seal, keep the leaves nice in the landscape by applying slug and snail killer every month, beginning early in the season.

About Renee Bates

Renee is an artist focused on growing a newfound ability to express herself through oil painting, recently leaving her role as executive director of the non-profit Greenways for Nashville to pursue art and product development. Today, June 16, is her “artist” anniversary, the day she happened upon the desire and ability to paint.  Renee likes being in nature, hiking, birding, and working in the garden. Married to David Bates of Bates Nursery and Garden Center, a 3rd generation business begun in 1932. Renee admires the fact that it was begun by a savvy woman, Bessie Bates.  Renee’s art may be enjoyed from her website or followed on Facebook.

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The Other Side of the Couch – Loss, Again

girl and sky

She called this afternoon.

I knew immediately that something wasn’t right. For days now I have been having a sense of something being wrong – some disturbance in the Force, in the energy that surrounds us all. I had laid it to the time of year, always a challenging one for me. As soon as the cherries bloom, every year, I am back in those unquiet days before my mother’s death, driving back and forth to the hospital, and seeing the most beautiful and radiant of springs unfolding throughout the poignant April days.

I have been aware of being sad, of missing my mother this year in a more particular way. Perhaps as I approach her age at her death, and realize how much more life I wished for her, and how much more life I hope for myself, I am shaken by the gossamer threads that hold us to this planet, this plane of existence. The unexpected lurks, and there is much that we cannot control.

The call telling me that a dear friend, younger than I, had lost his battle with cancer, a cancer that metastasized in the same way that my mother’s had, and that ended in a similar, brutal way, recapitulates all losses. The weight is the same, the heavy leadenness, the what-does-it-matter feeling, the tears always ready to be shed, the questions to which there are no answers.

I grieve for his wife, for his daughters, for my husband, who treasured him as a close friend. I grieve for the circle of lives that he touched, which are myriad. He was a giver. I grieve for the life he didn’t get to live. And yet, I know that he lived life with gusto, with joy, with presence. He appreciated the life he had. He knew that it wasn’t guaranteed. He knew that before the cancer ever came.

So today I am doing my best, in the midst of sadness, to celebrate the life of a special man, who gave much to the world, to his family, to his wife, to his community. He gave the best hugs. His life philosophy upheld and lifted. May all of us be so mourned. His was a life well lived. He will be missed.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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