Some time ago I was working with a couple who were struggling with some issues in their marriage. The wife was unhappy with how things were going in the relationship, and she wanted things to be different. The husband was quite satisfied with how things were going, and in the face of his wife’s pressure, he finally erupted in the session with this statement: “I DIDN’T GET MARRIED TO CHANGE MY LIFE!”
Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this particular couple’s issue, the husband’s impassioned statement has long stayed with me. How many times in my own life have I been faced with the need to change – whether due to external circumstances created by another person’s need for change, or due to internal pressures requiring me to move in new directions. The universality of these experiences, however, is that change is not often welcomed by human beings with open arms and a wide embrace. It is more often encountered with reluctance and with some degree of foot-dragging.
And yet, change is inevitable. We grow up. We age. Friends and family come and go. Our bodies become different over the years. Our understanding grows and changes (if we allow ourselves to engage in the process of self-examination.) The reality is that the opposite of change is stasis – or death.
Rosabeth Moss-Kanter, author of The Change Masters (1983), spoke to the issue of change in corporations, essentially pointing out that corporations that embrace change are successful; those that do not either struggle or fail. Her book points out this essential truth: If you don’t master change, change will master you.
So how do I master this inevitable process? I react a bit to the word “master” – I would substitute “live with” or “embrace” or “lean into” (thank you, Sheryl Sandberg). I want to experience these processes as ways through which I am able to become more fully present with myself and with my world. By acknowledging that change is happening, by looking it squarely in the face rather than being in denial about it, I am able to work with it rather than fight with it, and therefore more effectively live the life I want to live.
Some tips about embracing change:
- Identify the changes that are going on in your life.
- Decide how you want to relate to those changes.
- Choose changes that you want to make for yourself.
- Find support and accountability to hold yourself to the path that you have chosen.
- Enjoy the ride!
About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:
Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.” Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com
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I was on the way to Charleston on Friday, June 26, 2015, as President Obama gave the eulogy for Rev. Clementa Pinckney, one of the nine African-American members of the AME Emanuel Church who were gunned down by a white 21-one-year-old who had been indoctrinated by a white supremacist organization. I was on the way to a city that embodies in so many ways the contradictions, struggles, pain that 150 years – no, 300 years – have not erased from this country. The bloody war, known in the North as the Civil War, in some parts of the South still called the War Between the States, or less benignly, the War of Northern Aggression, still incites pain. Black or white, Northern or Southern, the history of war, occupation, slavery, Jim Crow, voter suppression is unfortunately alive today.
Last month we delved into the world of wearing our natural hair color. One native Nashvillian set herself apart with her beautiful silver hair. She entered a contest for a skin care line who wanted a representative who was over 40. Tish Hooker, later becoming known simply as Tish, was a beautiful 45 year-old who had stopped coloring her hair at 42. From the prominent Fort family of Nashville, I knew her from local media and she wore the prettiest salt and pepper hair I had seen. In the 80’s, I recall discovering her picture in a Germaine Monteil cosmetics advertisement in a national magazine, Vogue, Elle, or Glamour.
It is being discussed more and more. Women in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s are deciding to cut the hair color and return to their ever lightening roots. I’m curious, so I’ve asked some friends who have stopped coloring to share their experience with me.
HerSavvy
Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP
Jan Schim
Norma Shirk
Renee Bates
Barbara Dab
HerSavvy 