Tag Archives: maturity

Am I Beautiful?

Beautiful

Perhaps the better question to ask is, “How do we each reach our definition of beauty?” Standards of beauty have varied radically over the centuries and are more a statement about our cultural values than our actual physical beauty.

Beauty is a visible symbol of socio-economic status. In ancient Egypt, wealthy men and women shaved their heads and wore wigs. At parties, they removed their wigs and set scented wax cones atop their heads so that they dined with a beautiful scent wafting around them. (There are no tomb paintings showing wax falling in the diner’s eyes, unfortunately.)

During the Renaissance, a bit of plumpness meant your family was wealthy enough to eat on a regular basis, unlike poorer people who often starved. That’s why Titian’s female models are, how to say it politely, fat, by modern standards.

In the 17th and 18th centuries, higher income people tended to be pale.  Pallor separated them from the ruddy-cheeked farmers and other hoi polloi who did manual labor. After the Industrial Revolution, the beauty standards reversed. Poorer people were pale from long hours on the factory floor, while higher income people discovered the joys of nature and got a tan.

Today, our standard of beauty dictates that we must be wrinkle-free, slender and physically fit.  Higher income people can afford the Botox and cosmetic surgery to look young. They also have the disposable income to pay for a healthier diet and for the exercise programs to maintain a “healthy” weight. Meanwhile, poorer people have wrinkles, eat a less healthy diet and probably lack the time, mental energy and money needed for a regular exercise regimen.

Our modern standard of beauty also addresses our fear of dying. If we work out constantly, we will look and feel young and hopefully avoid chronic diseases that lead to “premature death” as the TV ads euphemistically put it. This is not a new obsession. Fear of growing old and dying was chronicled 4000 years ago in the “Epic of Gilgamesh.”

So what can we do if our personal beauty doesn’t match (or even come close) to society’s standard? Find an historical era where the standard of beauty matches your body type. Then buy some chocolate and a bottle of wine and salute your beauty. Am I beautiful? You bet!

About Norma Shirk

Norma started her company, Corporate Compliance Risk Advisor, to help employers create human resources policies for their employees and employee benefit programs that are appropriate to the employer’s size and budget. The goal is to have structure without bureaucracy.

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Going Natural

Kate Stephenson and Mark BatesIt is being discussed more and more.  Women in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s are deciding to cut the hair color and return to their ever lightening roots.  I’m curious, so I’ve asked some friends who have stopped coloring to share their experience with me.

Linda had been coloring her hair from her 20’s.  Because it grew so fast, she would have a color line within a week or so, and needed to color every 2 weeks.  About 6 years ago she decided to stop and go back to her own hair color, which she calls silver, or platinum.  When I asked her why, she said it was because of the pain it was causing…the physical pain from the chemicals, and the emotional pain, being so tired of feeling self-conscious when the gray would start growing out.  “At the time I was dating someone who was not in favor of the silver.  Soon after the relationship ended, I chopped off all of the color damaged, dead hair and took it as short as I could,” adding that it was a bit of a shock, even to her.  When I asked her if she saw any downside to going natural she offered, “After I started growing the silver out I’ve had nothing but compliments. The only reason that someone would not get compliments is if they didn’t style their hair.“

When I asked her what advice she would give to anyone thinking about taking the plunge she said, “If they had darker hair, I would encourage them to start by going with some highlights, blonde goes to silver easier– because when you go from dark to silver, it is too difficult, and with highlights you won’t have that nasty skunk line.  Get as close to platinum as possible.  Otherwise, chop it all off.  It felt amazing.”

Because Linda has beautiful olive skin, hazel eyes and looks much younger than her years, when she was coloring her hair blonde she got hit on often by younger men, fifteen to twenty years younger.  Now that she has gone silver, that doesn’t happen anymore.  She is grateful.  The younger men were not always the most tactful and it would often be hurtful when they found out her age.

“I didn’t feel natural, or pretty, coloring my hair.  I am so grateful that I listened to my intuition, and not my ex-boyfriend.”  Linda adds that just a little bit of platinum highlight keeps it light around her face.  She shares that her hair is much healthier and thicker, another reason to be very happy about the decision to go natural.

When I asked Linda how her business life has been affected she dropped her voice to that solid, personal truth telling tone, “I feel embracing my natural hair color and doing what I wanted to do has brought me in line with being authentically who I am.  This has made me feel more comfortable and has led me to coming into my own.  People see my natural hair and expect me to be a more real person, or maybe I am a more real person.“  Linda Sack is a licensed message therapist and came to that profession after she made the decision to stop coloring her hair, leaving a corporate career behind, and feels that massage therapy is perfect for her.

My lovely friend Marilyn Shriver, who colored for over 25 years, and has the most beautiful white hair now, says, “What kept me coloring was that someone told me that if I let my hair go natural, because I was fair, I would disappear from the neck up.”   This turned out to be mis-information.  She says, “I get more compliments on my hair since I stopped coloring it.  My obsession with hair has diminished.  The hair is much better hair and I have accepted that I am the age that I am.  Everybody’s aging at the same rate.”

So, I am thinking about it more.  The first reason is because my hair is thinning from the chemicals.  Another, besides embracing the real, I’d like to simplify my life and spend time doing the things I enjoy most.

This is part one of a two-part article.  Come back next month as I continue the exploration of going natural with a native Nashvillian who was selected from a group of 7,000 women to represent a world wide cosmetic company, not entirely because of her beautiful platinum locks, but she wouldn’t have gotten the job without them.

About Renee Bates

Renee is the executive director of the non-profit, Greenways for Nashville, a member based organization. In addition to growing private support for the trails and green spaces, she enjoys oil painting, hiking, nature and working in the garden. Renee is married to David Bates of Bates Nursery and Garden Center, a 3rd generation business begun in 1932 by a savvy woman, Bessie Bates.

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Photo Credit: Nfocus Magazine; Kate Stephenson & Mark Bates attend Authors in the Round Dinner, Humanities Tennessee

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The Road Ahead:  How I Stopped Making Excuses and Learned To Love, er, Like Running

Run.

I have a confession to make: I like running.

Not the most earth shattering admission, to be sure, but for me this is mind blowing.  You see, for most of my adult life I have had a love/hate relationship with this type of exercise and by that I mean mostly a hate relationship.  I have started running many times over the years, only to stop over and over for reasons ranging from tendonitis to a lack of time.  I have also invested in countless pairs of specialized shoes, fancy leggings, supportive bras and sweat-wicking socks.  Each of these also was a “culprit” for quitting.  The shoes just didn’t work with my plantar fasciitis, the leggings were too hot, the socks bunched up and the bras weren’t supportive enough.  You get the idea.

So what’s different this time, you ask?  I’ve been trying to figure that one out.  For starters, this past year I’ve packed on some unwanted pounds without changing much about my diet or lifestyle.  I’ve also been feeling sluggish and irritable and definitely not my usual perky self.  Added to all this is a general malaise and a desire for more challenge in my life.  I definitely want to recapture my energy and enthusiasm.  And while there is so much we can’t control, we can definitely control our exercise.  So off I went in search of some new physical challenge.

First in my quest was a personal trainer at the YMCA and a program of weight lifting and cardio, along with my regular Pilates regimen.  All went well for a couple of months and I really loved how my body was changing and becoming more toned and defined.  But one morning I awoke with neck pain so severe I could not move my head.  This continued for a couple of months and even with a lighter weight load, the pain and stiffness persisted.  So I stopped the weight training.

I have several friends who are runners and I began quizzing them on why they like it and how they train.  One friend calls running an “efficient” form of exercise.  She can accomplish some high level problem solving and planning while she runs.  Another runs so she can enjoy a foodie lifestyle with her husband.  Another just likes to sweat.  My weight trainer is also a runner and she didn’t start until after she turned 40.  She was my best cheerleader and encouraged me to just get out there and set small goals.

Once again, I invested in some great shoes, fancy leggings and a supportive bra and, joined by my new puppy Bentley, off I started.  The area around my house is very hilly and not much fun so after several weeks of hell, I headed to the local greenway, a flat nature trail that goes for miles.  The first day I decided to just run without tracking my speed or distance.  And I’m not going to lie, for the first 20 minutes or so I kept thinking of excuses to stop.  But I focused my gaze on the road ahead and kept going, Bentley at my side.  I’m not sure how far I ran that day before turning around and walking the last bit, but when I finished I felt great!  It was still hot and humid, but the feeling of accomplishment, of pushing myself to my limit, was exhilarating!

I’m now a couple of months into this running experiment and I have been tracking my speed and distance.  I’ve worked up to running 5 miles at a fairly good clip.  I’ve participated in two races, a 5K where I had my personal best time and a 5-mile where I ran and walked with my daughter.  I’ve lost weight, I sleep more soundly, I have found my energy and I feel like myself again.  I still spend the first mile or so thinking up reasons to stop, but so far I have been successful in keeping my gaze fixed on the road ahead, setting small goals to stay motivated and finishing what I started.  Efficient, challenging, good cardio; Sounds like life.

I really like running!

About Barbara Dab:

Barbara Dab is a journalist, broadcast radio personality, producer and award-winning public relations consultant. She currently hosts two radio shows locally in Nashville, TN. Check out her website athttp://www.zoneabouttown.com.

Barbara is also creator of The Peretz Project: Stories from the Shoah: Next Generation. Check it out at http://www.theperetzproject.com If you, or someone you know, is the child of survivors of the Shoah, The Holocaust, and would like to tell your story please leave a comment and Barbara will contact you.

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The Other Side of the Couch –Listening

Listening

I recently had the pleasure of attending an unusual conference in our nation’s capital. NO, the conference had nothing to do with politics (although we did have a surprise visit from “President Obama” – for split seconds the audience really did think this very talented impersonator was the real thing!)  The theme of the conference was Joyful Aliveness, and the hotel was rocked by shouts of “You are Amazing!” from the presenters, the participants, and anyone else who was brought in for any purpose.

I was attending the annual conference of Imago Relationship Therapists. IRI is an international organization that brings together Imago therapists from all over the world.  This year there were participants from 21 different countries, including 8 from Estonia, 17 from South Korea, and 4 from South Africa.

Imago Relationship Therapy, first developed by Harville Hendricks and his wife, Helen LeKelly Hunt, is a way of healing relationships through the use of a variety of processes, most importantly through the use of Dialogical processes.  First developed nearly 25 years ago, Imago is used by over 1000 therapists around the world, changing the world, as we say “one couple at a time.”  (For more information, check out www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com, or just google it on Youtube.)

Imago processes are based on very precise and attuned listening, a skill that most people have never been taught.  What more often than not happens when two people are talking about a subject that brings up any feeling of conflict is that while one person is talking and the other is ostensibly listening, what is really going on is that the supposed listener is actually listening to what is going on inside his or her own head, so as to effectively challenge or contradict the other.  The same thing goes on when the other person is called upon to listen.  WE DON’T LISTEN, and we, therefore, often base our behavior on erroneous information.

What was beautiful about this conference was that I was in a community of trained and respectful listeners who, even in the midst of disagreement (and there were disagreements), were able to listen, take in new information, even change their positions based on new information.  I enjoyed it so much!

Below is a poem that was shared after the conference.  It sums up my thoughts about listening.  Enjoy!

 

“Reduced to Joy” by Mark Nepo

We can grow by simply listening, the way the tree on

 that ridge listens its branches to the sky,

 the way blood listens its flow to the site

 of a wound, the way you listen like a basin when

 my head so full of grief can’t look you in the eye.

 We can listen our way out of anger, if we let the heart

 soften the wolf we keep inside.

 We can last by listening deeply,

 the way roots reach for the next inch of earth,

 the way an old turtle listens all he hears into the pattern of his shell.

 

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”

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Getting Away From It All

Sunset

There is a quote that goes like this:

Take a rest.  A field that has rested yields a bountiful crop.

Ovid Roman poet (43 BC – 17 AD)

Recently, I took a weekend retreat with a group of women that was refreshing and exactly what I needed.  Focusing on spiritual principals and supporting one another, the time away from routine days and the opportunity to rest, was rejuvenating.  I take this trip each year, and it charges my batteries and makes me a better person in my job, and in life outside of work.  I am a better-balanced individual when I have a life outside of everyday tasks.

Giving myself permission to put the focus on me has not always been easy.  For some of us, it is on others that a good bit of our energy is spent.  I am finding that the more I make self-care a part of my routine, be it exercising, or journaling, the better all around I feel in my work, and the things that I do outside of my job.

This year I have made being active by getting outside and walking, jogging and hiking, a priority.  I am fortunate to live in a city with great parks and greenways.  If I can’t go for a weekend away, I can certainly go for an hour or two.  My favorites of late have been Beaman Park, Richland Creek Greenway and Radnor Lake.  For enjoying wildlife, these green spaces give a great opportunity to not only walk, but also see birds, deer, and sometimes turkey.  Working at Greenways for Nashville, I am knowledgeable about some of the many great places there are to visit.  New trails have recently been added to Metro Parks and Greenways at Peeler Park, and trails are soon to open along the Mill Creek Greenway near Lenox Village.  Greenways for Nashville’s website includes not only Metro Nashville’s Parks and Greenway maps and addresses, but also the State’s trails like Radnor, as well.  Click  here and find your place to recharge.

About Renee Bates

Renee is the executive director of the non-profit, Greenways for Nashville, a member based organization. In addition to growing private support for the trails and green spaces, she enjoys oil painting, hiking, nature and working in the garden. Renee is married to David Bates of Bates Nursery and Garden Center, a 3rd generation business begun in 1932 by a savvy woman, Bessie Bates.

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Happy New Year

 

L'Shanah Tova

This week marks the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah and the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur.  For the Jewish community these are the most significant and most somber days of the year.  The 10-day period is marked by self-reflection, prayer, spirituality and perhaps most important, asking for forgiveness.  It’s notable that this time falls in the middle of the secular calendar, giving us another opportunity to refocus and recharge our batteries as we bid farewell to summer and prepare for the colder months ahead.

As I was anticipating this year’s holiday season and wondering, as I always do, if I will find the inspiration I seek, I received an email from a dear friend.  This friend has been through a tough year marked by a contentious divorce, the challenges of aging parents and worries about college-age children.  At the end of her email, she relayed to me some things she’s learned about herself this year.  It was filled with hope and optimism and…aha! Therein lay my inspiration.  So here I share with you some of my resolutions as inspired by my lovely friend of 20 years.

  1. Find time to enjoy simple pleasures. I am an adventure seeker and a high-energy person (duh!).  I will give myself permission to take a walk in nature without the goal of burning those extra calories.  I will take a bubble bath and not take work along with me.  I will listen to the music I really love rather than whatever is on the radio at the moment.
  2. Read more. Well, actually I read quite a lot, most of it news-related.  In fact I am quite a bookworm and love to get lost in a good book, but rarely allow myself the time.  This year I will read for pleasure, maybe even look for a book club.  Whoa!  Baby steps!
  3. Spend time with good friends. Hmmm, my life is already filled with plenty of amazing people.  But I find I tend to neglect spending quality time with those special friends who really “get” me.  These are the folks some refer to as “family of choice,” the ones who love me unconditionally and who, by their mere presence in my life, give me courage.
  4. Get more rest. This is perhaps the toughest goal of all.  See resolution #1.  High-energy people do not like to sleep much!  I usually subscribe to the “I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” theory.  However as I get older, I find I really do feel better with more rest.  So, without giving it an actual number, I pledge to add more rest to my days, or nights, depending on how it works out.

A short list, right?  Well I’ve learned it’s best to break my goals down into manageable chunks.  I find the spiritual goals are often the hardest to attain and to keep, but are also the most satisfying.  I invite you, even if you are not Jewish, to take this time to think about your spiritual goals and share them with us here at HerSavvy.

One more thing.  An important part of this season for Jews is asking for forgiveness.  So, if I have wronged you or caused you pain this past year, I am truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness.  And as we say in our tradition, May you have a sweet year filled with health, joy and prosperity.

About Barbara Dab:

Barbara Dab is a journalist, broadcast radio personality, producer and award-winning public relations consultant. She currently hosts two radio shows locally in Nashville, TN. Check out her website athttp://www.zoneabouttown.com.

Barbara is also creator of The Peretz Project: Stories from the Shoah: Next Generation. Check it out at http://www.theperetzproject.com If you, or someone you know, is the child of survivors of the Shoah, The Holocaust, and would like to tell your story please leave a comment and Barbara will contact you.

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Shine Theory (or Why I Truly Love the Women of Her Savvy)

y99sexcast2_20000530_00477.jpg

I was prepared to write a post about pearls when I was suddenly hit with writer’s block and decided to check my email instead.  The first email I opened was from a college friend. She was writing to send me a link to an article she’d read recently; it was about something called Shine Theory. As a jewelry designer and metalsmith, when I saw the words “Shine Theory,” naturally I thought the article was about gemstones or precious metals. I was in for a surprise; there was nothing about gemstones or jewelry. The article was about why powerful women make the best friends and why we should strive to surround ourselves with women who intimidate us or women we see as “better” (i.e., more successful, smarter, cooler, etc.) than us. After I read the article, I thought about the mission of the HerSavvy group: to challenge each other, inspire each other and support each other or in other words, Shine Theory in real life. Have a look at the article and learn how to shine!

About Lisa Rose Aronow

Lisa Rose Aronow is a metalsmith and jewelry designer who works with a wide variety of precious and semiprecious stones, high karat gold and sterling silver. Her work can be found at Gus Mayer in Nashville, TN or online at Facebook.com/LisaAronowAtelier.

Photo credit: http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1764563/thumbs/o-SEX-AND-THE-CITY-CAST-facebook.jpg

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Another Year Older…and Wiser

Birthday

Today is my birthday.  My dear friend, Renee Bates, kind of got the jump on me the other day because it was also her birthday.  Nevertheless I want to honor myself by sharing some of my own reflections.  As a wife, mother and big sister, it’s not often I get to nab some of the limelight so I will milk this opportunity today.

These last few years have challenged me like no other.  Uprooting my settled, predictable life back home in Los Angeles was pretty tough.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s been hard to dig some new roots, let my brain create new pathways, open my heart to new possibilities.  Many people leave home at the start of their adult lives, but for me, this separation came much later and I confess I have been fighting a battle with my head and heart.

But I believe this year I turned a corner.  I’ve begun to rely on new friends and my local “family of choice.”  I still call my best friends and my sister for support, but I’ve started allowing myself to reach out to and trust my new connections too.  After all, when I’m having my morning coffee and starting my day, the sun hasn’t even come up in La La Land and I dare not call folks there!  So I’ll pick up the phone and chat up my Nashville friends to help get myself moving.

Holidays have been some of the toughest times.  Timeworn traditions add to the richness and meaning of key celebrations and observances.  Our home was always “that” house where folks gathered.  I’ve continued the practice here, but at times the absences at our table are a bittersweet reminder of what we left behind.  Still, in spite of myself, new memories are being made and new traditions are taking hold.

One of the hardest things to adjust to has been the weather.  Most people who know me know summer is my favorite time of year.  And lucky me, in Los Angeles it is always summer!  The sun is out most of the time, save for the odd foggy mornings in June, it rarely rains and the air is balmy and breezy.  It’s pretty hard to imagine anything better.  So to adapt to the changing weather I have created a more seasonal wardrobe; accumulated sweaters, boots, coats, scarves and gloves.  I’ve even braved driving the icy roads and the torrential downpours.  I still do not like the weather here, but I’m learning how to live with it.  Baby steps, after all.

So what are the lessons here?  Well I have learned I’m stronger than I thought.  I can ask for help and not feel ashamed.  I can ask for what I want.  It feels good to embrace change.  It’s important to take care of myself.  It’s fun to make new friends.  I still cherish my old friends.  Weather is an opportunity to go shopping.  Home and family are what you chose to make of them.  And, no matter where I live, I am still Me!  Here’s to another year older and, hopefully, wiser.

About Barbara Dab:

Barbara Dab is a journalist, broadcast radio personality, producer and award-winning public relations consultant. She currently hosts two radio shows locally in Nashville, TN. Check out her website at http://www.zoneabouttown.com.

Barbara is also creator of The Peretz Project: Stories from the Shoah: Next Generation. Check it out at http://www.theperetzproject.com If you, or someone you know, is the child of survivors of the Shoah, The Holocaust, and would like to tell your story please leave a comment and Barbara will contact you.

 

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Emerging

Emerging

 

This weekend I had another birthday. Since it seems I was 50 for only about 3 months, and enjoying that milestone and nice even number, I was surprised at the speed with which the next one rolled up.   It has been a great year.  Looking back to when I was coming up on THE BIG 5-0, however, there were things I wanted to have done by that time … be fit, be the ‘right weight,’ hike more, speak Italian, learn to paint, and so on.  While my life is better than I could have dreamed and I have many of the qualities that I value (strong friendships and loving family relationships), personally there were accomplishments I wanted to have achieved.

Because I lost three of my four brothers when they were fairly young, I look at birthdays as gifts and time as finite.  Life in my family seems not to be long-lived so, for this important fiftieth birthday, I embraced truly living deliberately … to do the things that interested and took care of me.  I wanted to no longer put off having experiences and a quality of life that I might never have if I didn’t get on with it and work with what I had (me) so, I gave myself permission.  It has been a great year. I have been getting up early to work The Artist’s Way, a book of recovering and growing our creating self, I am exercising often, even jogging, and taking myself out into nature regularly.  For me, today, life is to be lived on purpose, with purpose.  I have reached an age where I realize that honoring my truths, wants, and needs is the best way I can be in the world because when I take care of what I value (my wants, my health), I am a better and more loving person to those around me.   If I could go back and speak to my younger self, I would say, “Don’t worry so much.  Accept others as they are and don’t spend time thinking about what other people think of you.  Live the way you want, honor your belief system, and keep the focus inside your hula-hoop where you have some ability to change the things you can.  It is going to be o.k. ”

It is a gift to be this age, and to have had the experience that 51 years brings.  I have this knowledge, this place in time, and because life continues to grow and change, I am excited to get up in the morning and get on with the day and see what comes, more open to possibility and the places that I will grow.  I am emerging.

About Renee Bates

Renee is the executive director of the non-profit, Greenways for Nashville, a member based organization. In addition to growing private support for the trails and green spaces, she enjoys oil painting, hiking, nature and working in the garden. Renee is married to David Bates of Bates Nursery and Garden Center, a 3rd generation business begun in 1932 by a savvy woman, Bessie Bates.

 

 

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And the Seasons, They Go ‘Round and ‘Round

Mature woman beach

Summer officially starts in just a couple of days.  For me, summer is what I wait for all year.  As a bona fide California girl, I thrive in the warm (read, “hot”) weather.  Moving to a place with four seasons has been a big adjustment for me and I confess, it’s not one of my favorite things about my new hometown.  My husband relishes the changing scenery outside our windows and with it, the different lifestyles each season brings.

What occurs to me is that our varying response to the weather reflects our different approaches to life’s changes.  Many people, like my husband, embrace the external changing of the seasons.  They love to watch the leaves turn in the fall, they enjoy the stark landscape and cold days of winter, they relish the anticipation of new growth in the spring and in summer, they can’t get enough of the outdoors. These folks also thrive in the day-to-day routine of life, heading out to work each day and appreciating the predictability.

After living in a place of perpetual summer all my life, moving to Nashville has been a challenge.  I am a person who loves change, but to me, change is an internal thing.  I like the consistency in my external world so that I can face life’s transitions.  When my routine is unaffected by extreme weather, I can ride the ups and downs unencumbered.

These days my home nest is empty.  Without the demands of fulltime childcare, the season of my life is changing again.  With that, I have lots of questions.  Now that I have extra time and energy for my own interests, where will I spend it?  Do I expand my professional life or find some new hobbies?  Do I just enjoy the free time and read or do some additional volunteer work?  And finally, do I embrace growing older or fight the passing years?

As women, I believe our lives are in constant motion.  It’s both exhilarating and exhausting.  So it is at the start of summer that I take stock of where I’ve been and ponder where I’m going.  It’s true I prefer this external season, but I’m learning to also appreciate the changing view outside my window and balance it with the real storms inside me.  The seasons do go ‘round and ‘round and whatever change means for you, take this opportunity to rest, reflect and recharge.

 

 

 

 

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