Tag Archives: family

The Other Side of the Couch – What’s with the Weather?

Weather

No, I am not going to rail about El Nino or debate climate change; neither am I going to use such weather clichés as, “If you don’t like the weather in New England now, just wait a few minutes” – attributed to Mark Twain.  (In considering this topic I did a search on weather quotes and found that the attribution to Twain was unsourced; however, he did give a talk to the New England Society’s Seventy-First Annual Dinner, New York City, Dec. 22, 1876, in which he reported counting 137 different kinds of weather in New England within 24 hours! He might have been exaggerating for effect, being Mark Twain.)

Today I am more interested in the topic of inner weather.  We human beings like to think of ourselves as higher than or perhaps exempt from the effects of environment on our experiences.  We live our lives in this country, often, in urban centers filled with noise and traffic.  We spend our days in office cubicles surrounded by the twitters and whirring of computers, ringing phones, printers and all the other technological advances of the 21st century.  We go home to televisions, streaming video, video games.  Many of us don’t get outside more than the ten minutes it takes us to move from home to car, car to office.  Perhaps we live in cities with public transportation, and we ride subways or ells or buses.  If we are fit and lucky and it is safe, we might get to ride bicycles.  We spend more and more time removed from the weather.

We are told that we need to spend at least 15 minutes daily getting outside sunshine in order to have appropriate levels of Vitamin D, a vitamin that has in recent years been determined to be both very important to human health and very likely to be deficient in many people in the United States.  We don’t get out very much these days.

I am not (yet) an outdoor person.   I don’t like to sweat, and I don’t like being cold.   A perfect day would be sunny with a slight breeze, about 72, with a lovely, relatively easy trail that goes through a beautiful forest filled with deer and other wildlife, but NOT filled with insects.  As it happens, such a beautiful place exists about a mile from my home; however, the 72 degree days happen rarely, and the insects disappear only with the appearance of much colder weather.  What to do.

My goal for myself is to become more of an outdoor person so that my inner weather will be fortified by all the good things the outdoors can offer – increased Vitamin D, but more than that, the experience of beauty, the joy of movement, the removal from the pace of life that we experience these days.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Want to change your own inner weather?

  1. Take a walk at lunchtime – any movement helps, even through a steel canyon.
  2. Get up 15 minutes earlier and GO OUTSIDE – rain or shine. Even a balcony on a high-rise will do.
  3. Get a dog. Dogs are great about making us outdoor people.
  4. If you have a pet, pet your pet. Even if you are not outside, the act of interacting with a pet has beneficial effects on anxiety, blood pressure, even digestion.
  5. Create something beautiful. Just for the joy of it.
  6. Really look at a leaf, or a stick, or a stone. Think about its life journey.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – Hurricanes and Turtles

Snapping Turtle

My husband and I share our home with two cats – two animals that are as different as chalk and cheese. Oscar is a grey, black and brown tabby with a white nose and cheeks, a white bib, and four white paws. He has green eyes with black liner around each.  Oscar can only be described as portly – he is the older of the two by eight years.  He commands the high ground in the house in some ways.  His preferred hangout is the loft above the den/office where he naps during the day, but his preferred nighttime stance is curled up right against my hip, wedged just tightly enough that turning over will place him in some danger if he doesn’t move quickly enough.

Jasmine, on the other hand, at age three, is the social committee.  A Maine Coon mix with the typical ruff, long fur and feather tufts between her toes, she is also remarkably gentle, loves to be brushed, talks all the time, and has a purr that can be heard across the room.  Although much lighter in weight, with all her fur she looks to be almost the same size as Oscar.

Jasmine joined our family about a year ago, and the introduction between these two took a while.  However, Oscar was tolerant, and Jasmine was persistent.  Now they often squabble, but also can be found lying on the bed together at times.  Jasmine does not climb up into Oscar’s lair, and Oscar does not climb on Jasmine’s cat condo.  They will eat each other’s food if either can get away with it.  Water bowls and boxes seem to be shared territory.

If Oscar and Jasmine were a human couple, I would say that Oscar is the minimizer – the one who just wants to shut things down and avoid conflict – while Jasmine is the maximizer – what do you MEAN you don’t want to talk about it, we have to get to the bottom of this right NOW!

Maximizers and minimizers are roles that turn up in most coupleships.  The problem is that both individuals who play these roles tend to think that their way of doing things is the way things should be done.

If you are the person in your relationship who tends to be more verbal, to want to initiate talking or getting to the bottom of a problem, or who has a hard time when your partner wants to take time out from dealing with a situation, you could be a maximizer.  Another metaphor for this role is that of being the hurricane or the tiger – you have outward moving energy that wants to be expressed.

If you are the person in your relationship who just wants to get things back under control and to shut down any problems, on the theory that most things will take care of themselves if they are not made too much of, you are probably a minimizer – you have inward moving energy that wants to close off.  A metaphor for this energy is that of the turtle – pulling into its shell for safety (but remember that turtles can be snapping turtles, too, if necessary).

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, you might also want to know that the more you minimize or maximize, the more likely it is that your partner will do the opposite – and that will get you both stuck in an ongoing power struggle.

If you are stuck:

  1. Step back and take a time out.  Don’t return until you have calmed down.
  2. Recognize your own energy type and try to incorporate some of the opposite energy.
  3. Accept your partner’s energy with grace. You are not likely to change this essential quality – best to learn how to appreciate and manage it.
  4. Squabble if you must, but always end up peacefully – like Oscar and Jasmine.

After all, lying on the bed together isn’t a bad outcome!

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – Lessons From My Mother

Mother2

I woke up several days ago with an unexplained and surprising feeling of sadness.  I was down, and blue.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  As far as I knew, everything was all right in my life at the moment.  I was coming to the tail-end of a nasty virus, but I was feeling better every day.  I had taken an allergy medicine the night before, but it was one that was familiar and had never caused any odd reactions.  And yet – I was quite sad.  I had some cancellations that morning, and I decided to check in with my husband and daughter, who were meeting for lunch, to see if I could join them.

Sitting at the table, waiting for food service, I began to muse again on what was going on.  I talked to them about it – said I was feeling sad, and I couldn’t quite figure out why.  I was lonely, and I felt a bit tearful.  Talking about it brought a few more tears.  We talked of other things and then, all of a sudden, I knew.

It was my mother’s birthday.  She would have been 95 this year.  She died twenty-four years ago, six months before her 71st birthday.  Every year this time sneaks up on me. One would think I would remember, but there is something about these anniversaries that keeps us a bit unconscious.  The amazing thing is that the BODY KNOWS.  Even though I was not consciously aware, my body and emotions were telling me to pay attention.

As soon as I recognized what was happening inside, I felt a deep sense of relief and understanding, and an equally deep joy in remembering all the special things about my mother.  Tonight, as I write about those sweet memories, I came across a little scribble I wrote a while ago.

My mother taught me many things.  Some of the most precious are these:

 

Create beauty in unexpected places, for no reason at all.

Cherish your women friends.

Go to lunch!

Be sweet.

Believe in yourself.

You are beautiful; believe it.

Church matters.

 

I am so grateful for the love we shared, and for having her in my life for seventy years.  I hope that my daughter will have as many sweet memories of me when that day comes.

I love you, Mother.

 

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – New Traditions?!

Traditions 2

I don’t really remember a time when the Christmas season was not filled with activity.  I grew up in a home with four other siblings and Christmas was a great event in our house.  My earliest memories involve sneaking down the stairs with my sister to see if Santa had come, and being absolutely convinced that Santa Claus was real, because ALL the presents were there, and Daddy and Mommy were asleep!  As I grew to adulthood Christmas continued to be the central holiday when the family gathered.  It was also true that as an adult I became much more involved in the preparing of these seemingly effortless rituals that culminated in the perfect Christmas morning, the presents wrapped and prepared for all, the Christmas breakfast and the Christmas dinner prepared and ready to serve.  I have loved Christmas and enjoyed the traditions of having my own home and making these traditions ours.

Now with my own home and my own adult, married daughter and my own Christmas to prepare, I am facing a first.  My daughter is spending Christmas with her husband’s family in another state.

No matter what I tell myself – that this is normal, that this is right, that this is her life, that we will be fine– I am overcome with sadness.  All of the wisdom I have so readily shared with others – make your own plans, create your own traditions, make this a day that is right for you, do a service project for others – pales in the face of this new reality.

As I face this, I think of my mother, whose five children grew up and scattered far across this country, rarely being all in the same place at the same time as adults.  I wonder how this felt for her.  I wonder how she bore it when I swanned off to South America for six years.   I wonder if she felt the same kind of emptiness in the face of this absence of what is, in the end, a part of one’s self.

So a part of my heart is going to be in North Carolina this Christmas.  I will bear up and be brave and have a good day.  And I will do my best to support my daughter in her choices, perhaps on the inside having a little childish tantrum that says “What about ME!” but hopefully not letting that part of me get in the way of giving her what she needs as an adult.  I will take my own advice, and my husband and I will do something different on Christmas.  It will be different, and it will be ok, and we will all grow a little bit in new ways.

I will hope for some new traditions that will translate into new ways of being for all of us.

So – Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays – Whatever you celebrate, make it a tradition that works for you.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch:  Gratitude – It Works

 

GratitudeGratitude.  Who knew that the act of giving thanks had such profound effects on so many things? The act of being grateful on a regular basis has been shown to diminish cortisol levels in the body by a significant amount and to increase variability in heart rate coherence patterns, both of which are an indication of lowered stress levels (McCraty and colleagues, 1998).

In addition to improvement of personal health, expressing gratitude has recently been shown to have a clear protective effect on relationships.  In a study that recently appeared in the journal “Personal Relationships,” results indicated that expressions of gratitude helped relationships in measurable ways.

“Feeling appreciated and believing that your spouse values you directly influences how you feel about your marriage, how committed you are to it, and your belief that it will last,” says study co-author Ted Futris.

As Thanksgiving Day approaches, one of the best things we can do for ourselves and for our relationships is to engage in a daily practice of gratitude.  This can be done in a number of different ways.  Taking stock of the day, focusing before you go to sleep on five things for which you are grateful is one way.  Writing them down seems to help anchor the experience.  Notice how your body feels when you focus on things for which you are grateful – many people experience a sense of relaxing on the inside, perhaps a feeling of warmth.  These steps can be personally helpful in alleviating stress.

Expressing gratitude to others seems to be remarkably helpful in keeping relationships on an even keel.  Making a daily practice of expressing appreciation and gratitude to your partner, children, friends, and business associates really does make relationships better.  I recommend to the couples with whom I work that thinking about, looking for, and expressing thanks on a daily basis is an incredibly powerful tool that can keep your relationship connected.  Give it a try.  You will be glad you did.

Happy Day of Thanksgiving!

 

McCraty, R., Barrios-Choplin, B., Rozman, D., Atkinson, M. & Watkins, A. (1998). The impact of a new emotional self-management program on stress, emotions, heart rate variability, DHEA and cortisol. Integrative Physiological & Behavioral Science, 32, 151-70.

Barton et.al, Linking Financial Distress to Marital Quality:  The Intermediary Roles of Demand/Withdraw and Spousal Gratitude Expressions, Personal Relationships, 22, (2015), 536-549.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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Moving 101

Moving

I was asked by my friend and realtor, Elizabeth Colton Walls, to share some of my reflections and tips from my recent move for her blog.  While I don’t pretend to be an expert, I did learn a few valuable lessons for making a move go more smoothly. Check out Elizabeth’s blog and my recent post and feel free to send me any questions you have about any of the resources mentioned.

Happy moving!

Barb

http://www.elizabethcoltonwalls.com/musings-on-moving/

About Barbara Dab

Barbara Dab is a journalist, broadcast radio personality, producer and award-winning public relations consultant. She is the creator of The Peretz Project: Stories from the Shoah: Next Generation.  Check it out at http://www.theperetzproject.com  If you are, or someone you know is, the child of survivors of the Shoah, The Holocaust, and you would like to tell your story please leave a comment and Barbara will contact you.

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Building a Bottomless Bucket List


DOLPHIN PHOTO WILD SIDE_crop2_crop

This August I crossed one off the bucket list: swimming with dolphins.   Well, two actually, the second was riding a catamaran on the ocean.  I have wanted to sail again since I was eighteen, loving the exciting tipped on its side ride, tacking, and hearing the sound of the wind in the sails.  It was my cousin’s wooden sailboat at our local lake.  While the boat we were traveling on this day no longer sported the mast and white canvas, instead using engine power to traverse the surf, the excitement of negotiating the rolling waves was still there.  For snorkeling, I learned that big waves are not a big deal when you are in the deep water, as opposed to being beaten up with “the breakers” at the shoreline – on the water you just roll with it.  I did feel brave jumping into that water where big things live.  With flotation belt, mask, snorkel and fins, I was plenty well suited for braving this new world.

Our competent, ecologically respectful guide, Elizabeth, gave us thorough preparation and education about the dolphin’s feeding and rest cycles, and how they rest one side of their brain at a time, alternating between the sonar and analytical sides, as exhibited with closure of the opposing eye of the side of the brain which is asleep.  We learned how to visit in a low impact way and not chase or touch the docile and loving creatures.  A small group of three couples,  upon our first encounter we beheld about twenty dolphins as they played, rested, and lazily moved to and fro zigzagging the coast in their rhythmic movement, sometimes on the bottom, often on or near the top, in 40 to 100 feet of water.  We later noted in the car on the trip back to our hotel that each of us had been mesmerized by the Aurora Borealis-like shafts of light permeating down through the depths in glistening light patterns.  Adding to our pleasure were intensely warm water currents influenced by El Nino, followed by refreshing cool veins of sweet relief.  As an artist, I am looking more at how light reacts on objects, and the pieces of the shapes on those objects.   There was so much to see.

Hours later, I was still exhilarated with the excitement of it all, especially seeing the graceful dolphins in their home, and learning first hand about their loving, community nature.   As we moved from the snorkeling with dolphins site to the turtle site, the dolphins rode our bow, racing ahead as they are so adept at leading.  From the 2-week-old baby swimming against mom’s side, to the 4 teenagers “hanging loose” and swimming slowly, like teenagers do, we enjoyed every minute.  Others were exhibiting raucous, tail flapping fun, spinning, relaxing and mating.  It was nature at its best.  On the trip out we spotted sea turtles and flying fish.  On the way back to the dock, we stopped twice to swim with the turtles, getting good views of several adults together on the bottom coral.  I was at once surprised to be 5 feet away from a sea turtle as it emerged, so close I could smell its algae covered body or its breath; I’m not sure which.

Riding to and from the harbor was a great adventure on the high seas, better than a ride at Fair Park.  On the trampoline-like net across the front, I was holding on tight and getting splashed, rocking up, once airborne, and dropping back down again against the deep blue mountains of water as it splashed through the net.  It felt like we were at a rodeo.  I haven’t had that much fun in forever.

Extra special about this trip was getting to experience it with my soul mate, David, on our celebratory revisit, having married there on Oahu in 1985, one hour east and thirty years before that sun-filled day.

Next on the bucket list: getting up close to a humpback whale.  You will certainly hear about it as it happens.

Photo credit and company we explored with on Oahu: www.sailhawaii.com

About Renee Bates

Renee is an artist focused on growing a newfound ability to express herself through oil painting, recently leaving her role as executive director of the non-profit Greenways for Nashville to pursue art and product development.  Renee likes being in nature, hiking, birding, and working in the garden. Married to David Bates of Bates Nursery and Garden Center, a 3rd generation business begun in 1932. Renee admires the fact that it was begun by a savvy woman, Bessie Bates.  Renee’s art may be enjoyed from her website or followed on Facebook.

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The Other Side of the Couch – She Sits in My Office

Acceptance 2

She sits in my office, a woman in her 20s, carefully yet casually dressed, clearly anxious.  This is our first visit, and I don’t yet know what brings her to me.  A counseling session opens with informed consent, so we speak of confidentiality, of any exceptions to that sacred boundary (any situation in which harm to self, to others, and/or to minor children or elderly requires breaking confidentiality).  Then we come to the question – What brings you here today?

She tears up, and her words begin to pour out as she struggles with her answer.  “I am attracted to women.  I have fought this and fought this, and not wanted it, and tried to be different, but it is no use.  I have no response to men.  I have dated men, and I have known kind, good men.  I grew up with kind parents.  I had a good home.  I am a Christian, and I grew up in a loving church.  At least I thought I did.  But my church is against homosexuality, and sees it as a sin.  I am torn apart inside.  I don’t want to be a lesbian.  I don’t want to live my life outside society’s acceptance.  Can you help me?  Can you help me change how I feel inside about being attracted to women?”

My heart sinks as I hear this question, because I know that the answer is not what she will want to hear.  Reputable therapists don’t offer what used to be called “conversion therapy” to supposedly help someone redirect their attraction template.   This so-called therapy is actually illegal in four states and is considered unethical by the mental health professions.

This client and I have a long road ahead together, if she decides to follow through with counseling.  Helping a person come to terms with their own sexual orientation, when it is different from what is considered the norm, is a challenge.  Many same-sex oriented individuals have struggled for years before they seek any kind of help and have absorbed the many homophobic messages that surround these issues.

The educational process will involve looking at the biology of attraction, at the internalized messages that complicate self-acceptance, at the kind of relationship the client wants (often a stable, adult, long-term relationship sanctioned by both the state and his/her faith background).  It will also involve looking at what it means to live one’s life as a gay/lesbian person in one’s family, community, profession, church.  It will involve helping this client differentiate between such Biblical issues as temple prostitution and sexual slavery, clearly opposed by the Old Testament, and the experience of monogamous, same-sex unions, which were not even thought of in that culture and time.  It will involve the question of children – whether and how to become a parent.  Most of all, it will involve learning self-acceptance and self-compassion.

The United States has experienced a remarkable shift in attitude over the last two decades, culminating in the recent decision by the Supreme Court affirming the right to marriage for same-sex couples.  This does not mean, however, that the acceptance for same-sex couples is easy, especially in the context of some faith-based institutions.

My hope for this client is that I will be able to walk with her through her fears, through giving up the dream of a “regular” life, to the point of being able to lovingly accept her own being.

My hope for our country is that we will all be able to walk through our fears, recognize that difference is not dangerous, and reach the point of being able to lovingly accept our fellow citizens in all their infinite variety.

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – What’s The Story You Are Making Up?

what is your story questionSomething that I encounter almost every day in working with couples is the problem caused by internal story-telling.  We all make up stories.  We make up stories about ourselves, about others, about why people do what they do, why we do what we do.  We are tremendously effective at this process, and we do it constantly.  The problems with doing this arise when we take action based on the story that we have told ourselves without questioning whether that story is based on more than our own perceptions.

Here is an example:  A husband won’t start driving until his wife has put on her seatbelt.  The story he tells himself is that he is making sure everyone is safe.  The story his wife tells herself is that he is treating her like a child and that she knows about putting on seat belts and will do it, but not because he makes her.  Because she tells herself this story, she is huffy with her husband; he doesn’t know why, and the day starts poorly.

Here is another example:  A woman has a need for what she calls a positive environment, which for her means no complaining or negative comments.  Her husband is a bit sarcastic and likes to complain about traffic, the weather, whatever.  When her husband makes these comments, the wife tells herself that he is doing this on purpose to annoy her, that he has no consideration, he clearly won’t listen to her, that he doesn’t love her, and maybe they should get a divorce.  The husband, on the other hand, is telling himself that he can say what he wants to say, he won’t be controlled and attacked, she doesn’t understand him at all, and maybe they should get a divorce.

Internal story-telling results in chasms and canyons in relationships!  The way to manage these problems is to make the stories external – say out loud your thoughts and intentions.  For example:  I am worried about your safety and because of that I would appreciate it if you would put on your seat belt before we start driving.  This is so that I will be comfortable.  It is not about you.  Or – when you won’t leave the driveway before I put on my seatbelt, I am uncomfortable because I feel controlled. Is there another way we could work on this?  Could you help me understand your thinking?

Making the internal story external saps its power and helps everyone clarify perceptions.  Give it a try!

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

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The Other Side of the Couch – But I Don’t Want to Change!

Change

Some time ago I was working with a couple who were struggling with some issues in their marriage.  The wife was unhappy with how things were going in the relationship, and she wanted things to be different.  The husband was quite satisfied with how things were going, and in the face of his wife’s pressure, he finally erupted in the session with this statement:  “I DIDN’T GET MARRIED TO CHANGE MY LIFE!”

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this particular couple’s issue, the husband’s impassioned statement has long stayed with me.  How many times in my own life have I been faced with the need to change – whether due to external circumstances created by another person’s need for change, or due to internal pressures requiring me to move in new directions.  The universality of these experiences, however, is that change is not often welcomed by human beings with open arms and a wide embrace.  It is more often encountered with reluctance and with some degree of foot-dragging.

And yet, change is inevitable.  We grow up.  We age.  Friends and family come and go.  Our bodies become different over the years.  Our understanding grows and changes (if we allow ourselves to engage in the process of self-examination.)  The reality is that the opposite of change is stasis – or death.

Rosabeth Moss-Kanter, author of The Change Masters (1983), spoke to the issue of change in corporations, essentially pointing out that corporations that embrace change are successful; those that do not either struggle or fail.  Her book points out this essential truth:  If you don’t master change, change will master you.

So how do I master this inevitable process?  I react a bit to the word “master” – I would substitute “live with” or “embrace” or “lean into” (thank you, Sheryl Sandberg).  I want to experience these processes as ways through which I am able to become more fully present with myself and with my world.  By acknowledging that change is happening, by looking it squarely in the face rather than being in denial about it, I am able to work with it rather than fight with it, and therefore more effectively live the life I want to live.

Some tips about embracing change:

  1. Identify the changes that are going on in your life.
  2. Decide how you want to relate to those changes.
  3. Choose changes that you want to make for yourself.
  4. Find support and accountability to hold yourself to the path that you have chosen.
  5. Enjoy the ride!

About Susan Hammonds-White, EdD, LPC/MHSP:

Susan is a communications and relationship specialist, counselor, Imago Relationship Therapist, businesswoman, mother, and proud native Nashvillian. She has been in private practice for over 30 years. As she says, “I have the privilege of helping to mend broken hearts.”  Contact Susan at http://www.susanhammondswhite.com

Like what you’ve read? Feel free to share, but please… Give HerSavvy credit. Thanks!

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